And the next day was awful. I must have got to sleep about 3 and had to wake at 6.30 to go to school (standard wake-up time -- nicht so schlimm as I try to nap and am careful about what I do the evening before, usually...) so at the beginning I was fine, getting the tube to school I began to wonder if in fact I really needed 9 hours a night. But when it came to speaking German I was probably fine, but it made me want to cry with frustration (normally the frustration has a more productive outlet) and then I took the lesson I had prepared. Sadly, it was a total disaster. And made me see how much of a perfectionist I have become. The reason it was a disaster was because it was completely wrongly pitched, and then my Betreuungslehrerin came up and told me it was way too complicated for the age of kids. Later I realised that she was being German and direct, and probs an English person would have beaten around the bush (=um die heissen Brei herumreden incidentally - means talk around the hot mash - German is weird) a bit more and to make me feel less uncomfortable. She didn't. But because I was so short on sleep it was all I could do to stop myself crying. Which I did manage not to do, but it was not fun all the same. And then I felt terrible for so long afterwards.
And so then I came home and had a speedy nap before picking up Rachel from the station. JOY! I hadn't realised how much I'd missed her, and also how much I'd missed having someone around who really knew me well -- the team are amazing, don't get me wrong, but the relationships between us are almost artificial in their intensity - sometimes I find myself completely misreading even Louisa. So it's great to be with Rachel. And she was strict with me and made me go to bed early, and nap while she faffed in my room. What a star.
And then today. Well, I had an amazing sleep (from 9.30 til 6.30 mmmmmmmm) and so woke up in a much better frame of mind. SADLY Herr Michael was ill so I didn't have to teach as much. I suspect very much he is filming for the Polish postal service as well or something, but I haven't as yet let on I know about his double life. I am biding my time.
So I got talking to Norman, one of the trainee teachers, in the staffroom, and it was a great convo because my German shot up a level, which made me pleased. And then I bought myself a reduced ticket for travel - with my special (apparently legal) Schülerausweis I can buy a Monatskarte for €25 - amazing. Then I came home and napped.
And then I went to the Humboldt University to listen to their choir and arrange an audition. The guy was nice, but there were loads of people there to try out. I mean loads. But the good news is that I got in. It was two rounds - was not expecting that - was meant to have brought a song to prepare, didn't, oops! - and there are more auditions at the weekend but he said I didn't need any more auditions and they wanted me and so please start asap! I also spoke lots of German to all the people there. I also met a french girl and embarrassed myself trying to fit french words in a german word order. I said what I studied rather quietly.
But through all of this one big thing has hit me. In the team meeting when I was feeling at my worst yesterday they prayed for me, but I didn't feel any better. So on the way home I carried on praying that I would indeed feel better. And I still didn't. So then I prayed something Ellen taught me - pray to be shown when the answer came. And I still didn't feel any better. But as soon as I left the rehearsal room today I was totally overcome with joyful happiness - a feeling it would have been very hard to manufacture in the mood I had been in for the last 48 hours.
And because it was through singing that this happened, I was reminded of a psalm we sang at Exeter last year, one that really stuck in my head perhaps because of the music, not sure...
Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us, no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said,
"Here I am, I have come"
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
This is so wonderfully true. My feelings wax and wane, but God has set me on a solid rock in Jesus that will never let me slip. And this is not just a fuzzy feeling I get: it came at a time when it would have been impossible for me to manufacture it. It was the answer to the prayer not to feel better, but for the eyes to recognise God's hand in making it so.
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