In the last few days I have been trying to work out a few things in my head. Why I think like I do, why I think about what I think about, and what I ought to be thinking about instead.
I often find myself really frustrating. I stress about and stew over things that I really need to let go of. I worry about people a lot. I can't get used to the idea that I can't be missed all the time by the people I think about. I go to bed far too late, often for no reason at all: sometimes I will be really disciplined and come home earlier than I would have done - clearing up way faster than usual for example - in order to go to bed earlier, but I faff and faff and go to bed later than I would have had I just got in later and gone to bed.
This week has been interesting in that regard. I suppose I am becoming a bit more self-aware and am realising more and more that the way I think profoundly affects the way I act and talk. I think about people a lot. I use up a lot of time thinking about people, but I don't actually know what I think about them.
I can't talk and chatter as much as I can in English, and so much more of my time is now being taken up watching, listening, analysing, reacting. It makes me realise how I must have been back in the UK, such is the difference I feel in myself in such situations. It's quite something to get used to, being in a group conversation and taking the role of the quiet one who only speaks when they're spoken to. It got me thinking about what kind of affirmation I got from being that person who (almost) always had something to say in reply, who (almost) always could move the conversation on if it was getting stale, who (almost) always didn't care whether I made myself look silly ... I am, so it seems, very concerned with giving that impression when speaking English. But when I speak German I have no control over that. It's most annoying when we're praying - I don't feel I can pray wholeheartedly in German because I am concentrating too much on what I say so that others can understand me, rather than focussing on God, to whom the prayer ought to be directed.
Now my ability to cope with conversation and social interaction has changed. No longer can I rely on my own personality alone, because I have to think before I can express it. If I can't rely on myself, why do I actually feel completely liberated that I am in this somewhat frustrating situation?
I was walking back from the U-Bahn station and there is a christian song they sing out here which I actually really like (although can't find any version on youtube that does it justice) and the words for it are pretty good for this mindset:
Herr, wohin sonst sollten wir gehen?
Wo auf der Welt fänden wir Glück?
Niemand kein Mensch, kann uns soviel geben wie Du.
Du führst uns zum Leben zurück,
nur Du, nur du schenkst uns Lebensglück.
Aus deinem Mund höre ich das schönste Liebeslied.
An deinem Ohr darf ich sagen was die Seele fühlt.
An deiner Hand kann ich fallen und du hältst mich fest.
An deinem Tisch wird mein Hunger gestillt.
Herr, wohin sonst sollten wir gehen?
The song is about an episode at the end of John 6.
[v66-68] "Because of what Jesus said, many of his disciples turned their backs on him and stopped following him. Jesus then asked his twelve disciples if they were going to leave him.
Simon Peter answered, "Lord, there is no one else that we can go to! Your words give eternal life."
I feel liberated in this frustration because I am becoming more sure that even if I can't articulate myself as quickly and as wittily and as eloquently as I would like, I don't mind as much what sort of an impression I give. There is no one else to whom I can go apart from Jesus, he knows, made and redeemed me, and so there is no pressure on me to make a good impression for affirmation's sake. I already have all the affirmation I would ever want and need in Jesus.
In other news, the room is becoming a bit more like home now. I am thoroughly enjoying my British teabags. I have started Gott Erkennen. I sat next to a woman in a miniskirt and thigh-high black leather boots and a man with a twirly rainbow striped umbrella on the U-Bahn. I have had my tickets checked twice today, the first time in nearly a month. I have received so much wonderful post from so many wonderful people. I now own a Disney Princess Paddling Pool. I like it when it gets dark so early.
And I got the Christmassy feeling for the first time yesterday when I walked past some moving 3D reindeer-shaped lights in a shop window and my breath formed vapour in the twilight.
3 comments:
I think you are wonderful. xxxxx.
that is so interesting, ems, and so lovely to know what you're thinking. i always have been so envious of your ability to be confident and chatty in all situations, and i think i never realised how being the quiet one in conversations shouldn't be something i regret being, but rather that i value as something different, not worse/better than being talkative. i really hope you are enjoying and learning from this new perspective (i think you definitely are which is awesome) because certainly it can be great to be the person that listens and evaluates situations without being caught up in them. maybe its best to have a balance in between though. i also love how you said "i think a lot about people but i don't know what i think about them" - i feel like that so often too! i realise i spend a lot of time self analysing and analysing other people but i don't want others to expect me to have come to any conclusions! we're still growing up into the people we will become, and i think it should be ok to admit we're still making up our minds.
totally identify with what you're saynig about having to be the quiet one... i can barely say a THING... and in BIble studies i go crazy, but it is good, i am learning to have to be content in God when it's IMPOSSIBLE to get people to like me.
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